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Hark's Tough Love

 

HARK'S TOUGH LOVE

An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

 


Out of my depth

I’ve been watching a documentary on my planet called Deep Space 9. What do you know about Deep Space 1-8? Is there a Deep Space that is 10 or greater?

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Seth Lind
That young man was...

On a return trip from Kenzinger 6 our ship was hit with a Federated Alliance EMP missile, and now my cybernetic implants have gone all jucking weird.

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Seth Lind
Bump It

Our fronts bounce off each other. Do you think I should change my body for this? The procedure would involve me eating my curve until it’s curved in.

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Seth Lind
Only a Fool

The other day I woke up with a painful red spot on my lower eyelid that feels like a bruise more than anything else… Do you think this could be a K'hekk infection, and if so, do you know of any physicians in my area who would take my Federated Alliance standard package insurance?

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Seth Lind
Appreciate the Host

I'm from Mufftop 7 and been trying to woo this hot to trot Knobnub. The problem is she's a non-native transplant to Mufftop 7 (she was grafted onto a Tellurian) and not really familiar with Mufftopian ways: not Mufftopia 1, 2, Skipafew, or 7 (I know, right?).

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Seth Lind
Siren Blasting

I’m having trouble with my “blaster.” It doesn’t... shoot, like it used to. At one point, I could fire off a few shots when I was making... uh... “war” with a lady.

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Seth Lind
FOUR Questions

I am very interested in joining the rebellion, but first, I need to be sure you aren’t just some bored pink Tellurian from Rangus 8 trying to waste my Juckin time…

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Seth Lind
Rough Going

My spaceship girlfriend recently got outfitted with some new top-of-the-line M-33-22G3 blasters after she applied for service in the Federated Alliance and it's really gotten to her processor…

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Seth Lind
Busted Up

My ex-girlfriend broke my heart. Literally broke it - i've had it replaced with three Garfon hearts connected in parallel fashion…

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Seth Lind
Asking for a friend

So I have a “friend” who happens to be a sentient being who embodies a large and very attractive gas cloud. What if my “friend” were to meet another sentient being who embodies a planet…

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Seth Lind