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Hark's Tough Love

 

HARK'S TOUGH LOVE

An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

 


Busted Up

My ex broke my heart. Literally broke it - i've had it replaced with three Garfon hearts connected in parallel fashion. And she was my entire world - also literally, she's a Gaia class sentient planet that was host to one life form, me. So my question is: Does the rebellion have access to any handy, pocket-size planet busters?

- Matny Tröre

Dear Matny,

First off, my condolences, friend, as heartbreak is no laughing matter. We've all been forced to live with a transplanted garfon heart or three for a while. I myself had a pair of particularly industrious whiffles pumping my own blood for a couple nights when I was left for dead after my fighter's fuel line ignited above an alien world. But look on the positive side, Matny: you're still alive. So live your life to the fullest your trio of garfon hearts will allow. 

Sure, I know a guy who could hook you up with an explosive that would cause a planet's core to collapse on itself and swallow itself whole. But is that the person you want to be? The kind of person who collapses a whole planet just because your heart was crushed and now you're straining the hearts of three former birds to survive? I don't know that I like that person, Matny, and I certainly wouldn't recommend them for a Rebellion assignment. They sound like a loose cannon, more interested in revenge than proper procedure and dedicated service to the finest organization in the galaxy. Take a few weeks R&R, get to know your garfon hearts well, and maybe apply for a position with us when this heartbreak doesn't sting quite so badly. Take care, friend, and be kind to yourself.

-Hark Tartigast, signing off!

Seth Lind