Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


Rough Going

My spaceship girlfriend recently got outfitted with some new top-of-the-line M-33-22G3 blasters after she applied for service in the Federated Alliance and it's really gotten to her processor. She always flexing, she's changed the way she speaks (I did my best, and probably failed at explaining to our kids what the J word is) and is not infrequently talking about how she's going to "blast" me. This unexpected change in her personality is really making it hard for us all in the family. What should I do??

Send help fast,

- Roughin Lom


Dear Roughin,
Whoa, no kidding - M-33-22G3 blasters? Predictive targeting array, a dark matter induction matrix, AND a vented tri-barrel construction for ultra-speed rapid fire? How I wish your girlfriend was on our side! Who wouldn't want to blast someone with a pair of those?! Hah hah, take that, high-value Federated Alliance target!
...Hmm, got carried away for a moment. I guess I can see what you mean, Roughin. It's easy to lose your head over exciting new technology (especially when it could be used to really stick it to the Federated Alliance), but it sounds like this newfound aggression is bleeding over into the familial unit and that's no good. Plus, she could potentially do a lot of damage to the Rebellion with those.
Now, I'm no stranger to the minds of ships: they can be easily swayed by new upgrades and get attached to equipment you'd just as soon sell to a Krinthian junk merchant. But if new blasters are the problem, perhaps some new interior upgrades could be the solution. Imagine how she might relax if you were to spring for some recessed cabin lighting, creating a warm, welcoming glow in the evening. Or some beaded seat cushions to soothe both her and yourself during a long distance hyperspace jaunt. 
Let me know how it goes, Roughin, and be sure to pass along any Federated Alliance intel you come across - just keep it on the down low. Long live the Rebellion!
- Hark Tartigast, signing off
Seth Lind