Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


FOUR Questions

I am very interested in joining the rebellion, but first, I need to be sure you aren’t just some bored pink Tellurian from Rangus 8 trying to waste my Juckin time. 

1. How many arms is too many arms? What’s the minimum and the maximum? I’d like to know my options. 

2. Same question, but Student Loan Debt instead of arms. 

3. Do I need to bring my own underwear or is the entire rebellion sponsored by MeUndies?

4. If you’re for real, I expect a rapid response and 25 kroon wired to me confirming that you’ve received this message. Once I receive the 25 kroon I’ll wire back 50 kroon to your account so that you know I know, you know I know. And Thank You. And Welcome to the Rebellion, you start Friday?

I can’t work weekends or emotionally connect with people so don’t ask me to. 

- Jeremy Ellett


Dear Jeremy,
I can assure you there's no one more serious about the Rebellion than I, except perhaps our fearless leaders Rolphus Tiddle and Sisoo Gundu. But right below them, you'll see a third name: Hark Colafon Tartigast. Let me put your fears at rest, recruit.
1. No arms is too many! Why, some of our most daring Rebellion agents from Brachion II are nothing but arms. It can be hard to know exactly where to address them so they can hear you, but a few dozen thumbs up lets you know the message has been received. Conversely, some of our other bravest agents have no arms at all. Stellar navigation droids, liquid-based sentients, and the perfectly round beings of Orbis Vogg: all are welcome.
2. If there's ever something ol' Hark Tartigast can relate to, Jeremy, it's a mass of student loan debt. My parents and guidance counselor made it clear I should go to the best university that accepted me, and now I'm still paying off my Modern Dance degree from Rangus State. But worry not! Service in the Rebellion past ten years offers very competitive debt forgiveness clauses for service to the galaxy.
3. Rest assured that a velvety pair of MeUndies awaits you in your recruitment pack.
4. This response rapid enough, friend? I'd have wired the kroon instantly to a multi-armed, indebted young go-getter like yourself, but you neglected to include your Kroonmo user name! I'm @HarkTartigast5, so add me and I'll get the kroon to you post-haste. We need you, recruit; even if you're unavailable emotionally or on weekends. Long live the Rebellion!
- Hark Tartigast, signing off!
Seth Lind