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Hark's Tough Love

 

HARK'S TOUGH LOVE

An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!

 


Siren Blasting

I’m having trouble with my “blaster.” It doesn’t... shoot, like it used to. At one point, I could fire off a few shots when I was making... uh... “war” with a lady. Now, not so much. How can I get my “blaster” to work again? 

- “Joe” 

Juck the Alliance

 

Dear "Joe,"
 
No need for any further quotes, friend; I understand completely. You go by "Joe," but in reality, you're a Rebel operative in deep cover behind Federated Alliance lines against the deadly, yet enchanting Battle Sirens of Sosphillia Prime, and you need to field strip your Remlux Z-71 Mid-Range Blaster and reassemble it to regain maximum accuracy. Don't worry, fellow Rebellion soldier: you've written to the ideal advice columnist for this particular predicament.
 
First, remove the exterior casing of your Z-71 by sliding the magazine housing down and then pulling it towards you from the left side. This will expose the power coupling - do not touch this! Take from ol' Hark; that's a mistake you only want to make once. Instead, use the omnigrips from your Rebellion-issue tool kit to remove the power coupling and store it in a safe place. 
 
Then, work the targeting matrix free from its slot and inspect it. Is it compromised in any way? If so, replace it with your secondary matrix. If your secondary matrix is also damaged, the iris of a Sosphillian hawk can serve in a pinch! It will burn to a crisp after a few shots, but I'm not sure how desperate you are. Use your best judgment here.
 
Once the the matrix is secure, make sure all power conduits are headed to the appropriate terminals, and that power flow is alternating on neighboring conduits. When this is complete, return the power coupling to its place in the center. Then ---wait! Did I say not to touch the power coupling?! I hope you, unlike me, remembered your omingrips. It's a heck of a shock if you don't. My apologies, soldier.
 
Hopefully this has solved your blaster issues, "Joe," without revealing your secret identity. Keep your wits about you, take a deep breath, and aim for the crystalline hearts of the the Battle Sirens - it's their only weakness. Long Live the Rebellion!
 
- Hark Tartigast, signing off  
Seth Lind