Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


Australia or Dust!

Hey Hark,

Big fan of the podcast, but I need your help. I’ve recently started dating a girl and she’s really great. She’s smart, she’s sweet, and she makes me want to be a better person.

My problem is this: when she was sharing her eyeball with her two sisters, my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum. Either I give her the object of my heart’s deepest desire, or she would plunge me and my next 7 generations into a lake of loneliness, hate, and failure. Her last two boyfriends before me were Wesley Snipes and R. Kelly.

What do I do?

-An American in Australia


Dear An,
I'm not familiar with Australia, unless it's a desert moon of Cintillax? In which case, I'm far too familiar. But I'll tell you this, friend: I know the ramblings of a Dusthead when I hear it. Lemme guess; you started this message looking for some honest help about your relationship. That's a good instinct. But then, mid-email, you snorted a huge line of Dust and now you're talking about sharing eyeballs and lakes made of failure. I can't pretend I haven't been there before, young American, and trust me: that's a bad instinct.
An, I can't force you to get treatment. I'm just a Rebel pilot trapped in a hyperspace vortex who's writing his advice column in a bid to stay sane as what seems like an eternity passes outside my ship in just moments. But I will tell you the one thing that wouldn't help this situation: getting Dusty as all get out and then trying to solve your problem. There isn't a problem in the galaxy that Dust can't make bigger, and it's certainly not approved for Rebellion recruits - unless they're in deep cover, in which case of course it's permissible.
So whatever the issue with your amazing girlfriend is, I urge you to face the problem directly, and most importantly, with a sober mind and body. Rod knows how you could mess up your relationship by trying to solve problems on Dust, but thankfully you instead sent a crazed email to me, Hark Tartigast. And Hark's here to give you some of his signature Tough Love: DUST is a BUST, friend! Stay clear of it!
- Hark Tartigast, signing off
Seth Lind