Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


Appreciate the Host

Dear Hark,

I'm from Mufftop 7 and been trying to woo this hot to trot Knobnub. The problem is she's a non-native transplant to Mufftop 7 (she was grafted onto a Tellurian) and not really familiar with Mufftopian ways: not Mufftopia 1, 2, Skipafew, or 7 (I know, right?). Anyway, she gave me the run-around for a while but finally agreed to a date. When we sat down to eat though, she kept letting her Tellurian host hold her waddle back as she scarfed down hot dog after hot dog. Am I being weird or is this a deal breaker?

- Miffed from Mufftop 7


Dear Miffed,
I’ll be direct with you here, chum - you’re being weird. And I don't mean the velvety language of the Flarn. Imagine how this Tellurian host feels! Here they are, thinking they’re entering into a committed life-bond with just one other sentient. They get grafted together, move to another system, and then whammo: they’re on a date with some hard charger from Mufftop 7. Surely this isn’t what they had in mind when they started browsing profiles on Symbio-date!
If you’re so keen on getting together with this Knobnub, you’ve got to be willing to entice this Tellurian as well. You might be thinking of them as a dreaded “third turbo-thruster,” but they might be thinking the same thing about you, Miffed! So, if you’re fortunate enough to get a second date with your Knobnub love, try some easy topics of conversation with the Tellurian: Zi-Ball, popular holos from the last few cycles, or the music of Jordan B’Korkan (they’re crazy about him since he won Voice of the Galactic Cluster). You might find you have more in common with a Tellurian than you thought - heck, they might even know something about Mufftop 7!
And if it doesn’t work out with this pair, remember the old saying: there’s always plenty of Knobnubs in the bismuth forests of Dendran IV. Bring your rebreather mask and start your hunt for love anew. Best of luck to you, Miffed!
-Hark Tartigast, signing off!
Seth Lind