Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


Bump It

Dear Hark,

So on my planet of Fingeria, we find our soul mates by the shapes of our bodies. If you don’t know, some of our chests curve out, and some curve in, and your soul mate is the one that fits your curve. Anyways, Blarp (Blarp isn’t her real name, because I want to protect her privacy) and me are a perfect match, but we both curve out. It’s such a great relationship: we love vortex jumping and panicking when we see anything wrong with our sheets. We both love each other, but we just don’t fit. Our fronts bounce off each other. Do you think I should change my body for this? The procedure would involve me eating my curve until it’s curved in.

I hope you can help me,

Brong Finner


Dear Brong,
I know consuming part of your own body to make you a more desirable partner can seem like an attractive option when in the throes of love.
I myself have done some pretty nutty stuff when in love; let’s just say there’s some holo-tats I should probably get removed! But let me ask you, Brong - has Blarp offered to eat part of their own body? Why you have to be the one to change if you’re both so in love?
But I’m not suggesting you tell Blarp to change - far from it! It sounds like you have all the cornerstones of a solid relationship: common interests, strong feelings, a willingness to commit (to a permanent bodily change via self-consumption). If all those things are in abundance, why force the rest?
Sure, your chests bump. It might seem “wrong” to your species, but know that elsewhere in the galaxy, this is totally normal. In fact, on Pectrankus IX, this is mating behavior! So perhaps you and Blarp are trailblazers. Maybe you’re the first couple on your planet to proudly bump chests and say, “We’re in love, and this is beautiful!” I wish you luck, Brong. 
- Hark Tartigast, signing off!
Seth Lind