Hark's Tough Love



An artist's rendering of Rebel Captain Hark Tartigast

In this column, expert rebel advice columnist Captain Hark Tartigast doles out sage advice to would-be rebellion recruits. Click the posts below to read his hard-jawed advice!

Could you use advice from a decorated rebel hero? No question is too weird! (Okay, maybe some are.) Email toughlove@missiontozyxx.space and ask Hark ANYTHING (almost).

And don’t forget that you can help save Hark!


That young man was...

Dear Hark,

On a return trip from Kenzinger 6 our ship was hit with a Federated Alliance EMP missile, and now my cybernetic implants have gone all jucking weird. My HUD keeps switching to Night Vision and I can’t get my music files to stop playing through my external speakers, which is making covert missions more than awkward. How do I stop this?

Juck the Federated Alliance,

Kei Prus’Mall


Dear Kei,
Those EMP missiles can be a doozy, no question. I once knew a young Rebellion pilot who, on his very first mission, got hit by one and his megathrusters stopped dead. He was forced to spend the entire crash landing with a virtual display in a hideous shade of yellow instead its usual soothing green. Hardly what you want to be thinking about during a crash!
But that pilot was thankful for the challenge, Kei, and I’ll tell you why. It taught him to function coolly and calmly in an adverse environment. Just think - if you can handle randomly assigned night vision and blaring music while trying to infiltrate a Federated Alliance stronghold, then you’re well on your way to becoming the galaxy’s most unshakeable soldier.
Because that young pilot from before? If you haven’t guessed yet, that young man was your ol’ pal Hark Tartigast. And I walked away from that crash, chartreuse display be damned. Rise to the challenge, my fellow Rebel, and the world will open before you like a Marfoonian oyster: with a cloud of euphoria-inducing spores.
- Hark Tartigast, signing off!
Seth Lind