On CLINTs: How to Neutralize them Effectively
by Rebel Commander Rolphus Tiddle
Greetings fellow rebels! LONG LIVE THE REBELLION. Commander Rolphus Tiddle here.
I’d like to address a question that many of you have asked over the course of our Glorious Rebellion: what’s the best way to deal with CLINTs? For the uninitiated, Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers (CLINT for short) are the dispensable foot soldiers of the despicable Federated Alliance. Their sheer numbers and aggression can turn any routine rebel mission into a deadly endeavor. Therefore, I will outline the best way to neutralize their presence.
I must say, I think I’m pretty much the best at analyzing the behavior of CLINTs. I’d like to clarify that this is due to my experience in the field, and not the uncanny resemblance that many have said I share with the CLINTs. Personally, I just don’t see it.
As you may know, CLINTs are all clones, but that doesn’t mean they’re all the same. They differentiate each other by their call signs - usually a designation of several numbers that refers to the order in which they were created in the Alliance cloning facilities. Each CLINT’s number is tattooed at the nape of their neck - Incidentally, right in the same place I myself have a birthmark that just happens to look like the words “ORIGINAL.”
CLINTs are highly trained in combat tactics, and although they possess great strength, agility, and a deadly aim with a blaster carbine, they’re easily thrown off their game. If you’re unfortunate enough to find yourself under fire from CLINTs, a simple distraction is enough to undermine their training. Even something as simple and ridiculous as, say, waving a stick around while doing an idiotic dance might confuse them enough to keep their blasters from hitting their mark.
But CLINTs aren’t just a threat on the battlefield. If you are approached, ambushed or waylaid by one or more CLINTs outside of a combat scenario, it is essential to follow three steps that I like to call the Three Cs. They are COMPLY, COMPARE and CONTINUE. I will break them down for you, fellow rebels.
The first thing you will hear when you encounter a CLINT will almost certainly be, “Get down on the ground.” Then, they will always ask to see your FAIC. While there may be a temptation to engage them in laser fire or fisticuffs (personally, I find their faces so punchable), do not. COMPLY with their requests.
Once you have gotten down on the ground, offered your fake FAIC and stated your business, there is a 99.6% chance (according to our analysis droids) that a CLINT will either claim to be the best at something or denigrate his fellow officers. At this juncture, COMPARE the CLINT you are interacting with favorably against any other CLINTs.
This comparison could lead to one of two outcomes. The CLINT will either be flattered and let you CARRY ON your way, or the comparison will create an altercation amongst the CLINTs, allowing you to quietly CARRY ON your way.
CLINTs might seem intimidating, but you can avoid conflict by playing on their vanity and stupidity. Again, I see no resemblance there, not sure why you’d bring that up. Now that I have given incredible, concise, useful knowledge to aid you in our Glorious Rebellion (LONG LIVE THE REBELLION)...